Archive for the 'Self-Care' Category

Turning Around Negative Self Talk

Research shows that a person experiences as many as 60,000 thoughts per day. The thing about these thoughts of ours is that most of them are the same 60,000 thoughts from day to day. The question is: what are you thinking about?

In our current society, most people’s thoughts are centered around worry, fear, and stress over a variety of topics. We worry about work. We worry about school. We worry about family and other close relationships. And the list could go on. A lot of that worry and fear stems from how we feel about ourselves.

It comes from our own perspective of life and how we’ve been trained to think. This training came from our environments growing up. They include our parents, teachers, friends, group affiliations, etc. Our thoughts result from what we’ve been taught for many years as children, and they continue into our adulthood life. That’s fine for the thoughts that support what we want in our lives. But when our usual thinking no longer works for our lives, we need to let go of the of thoughts and adopt new ones that serve us better.

Let’s use an example Don Miguel Ruiz wrote in his book, “The Four Agreements.” If someone told you when you were younger that you were stupid and you accepted what they told you, you might continue thinking that you were stupid for the rest of your life. That is until you make the choice to break that agreement and think something different about yourself.

Examples of this abound. People make agreements that they are fat, that they are ugly, that they do not deserve to be loved, or that they are not good at doing something. In my case, I always agreed that I was bad at math, until my Seton Hall statistics professor asked me if I was planning to be a math major because I performed so well in his class!

Now this is important to take note of for two reasons: (1) When it comes to dealing with other people, it’s important recognize that everyone does not think the same way you do. In this world, believe it or not, people weren’t raised to think the same way you think. So, don’t let someone else’s perspective, or even actions, personally offend you because it has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with their personal thoughts of themselves and the agreements they‘ve decided to make about themselves. (2) On a personal level, we have the power to change our thoughts. We do not have to hold onto thoughts that no longer work in our lives.

When we think and talk bad things about ourselves, we hold ourselves back from the vast opportunities in front of us. We disqualify ourselves from success before we ever get started.

How Do We Change These Thoughts?

  • Choose one negative thought that you have about yourself. For example, I was working with a client a few months ago who wanted to be a nurse but never pursed it because she thought that the education process to achieve that goal was going to be too hard and would take too long.
  • Write your negative thoughts down on a piece of paper. Take a look at it. In some coaching sessions I’ve had with clients, just looking at the negative statement makes them realize how far from the truth the negative thought really is. But for some of people who have agreed to their negative thoughts for years, a quick fix is not that easy.
  • As you are looking at this thought, reflect on it in present time. Don’t think about where it originated from and use your reason as an excuse to keep it. The past is in the past. How is this thought serving you now? If you find that it’s not serving your life positively, then it’s time to change the words you wrote down.
  • Changing the words is the next step. This is creating an affirmation for yourself. Using the example I used about the student who didn’t go to nursing school because she didn’t think she’d be capable for success, and she didn’t think she’d be able to sustain the amount of time it took her to get her degree. Through our work together she realized that her thoughts about the amount of time it would take was actually a limiting belief, which was not even accurate. She thought she’d be in school for six to eight years. She didn’t realize it could be accomplished in four years, like other bachelor degree programs.
  • Covert your negative thought into a positive affirmation. The important part of this affirmation is to use a see, hear, feel model, focusing on those particular sense to make the affirmation as real as possible. So this particular client’s affirmation turned into, “In four years, I see myself walking down the aisle at graduation, getting my nursing degree. I hear my family yelling my name to cheer me on as I walk up to the podium to receive my degree. I feel the excitement throughout my body as the degree is placed in my hands.” Decide how many times you are going to repeat your affirmation per day. The more you say it to yourself, the more you believe it. As a result, the more likely you are to take the steps to accomplish your goal and feel confident in doing so.

Follow these simple five steps to turn negative thoughts about yourself into positive ones that will help pull you forward.

Published on Wednesday September 8, 2010 in Broadcast and Self-Care. 0 Comments Tags: , , , .

“No” Isn’t a Dirty Word!

There is nothing wrong with pleasing other people or wanting to go above and beyond to put a smile on someone else’s face. In fact, showing love and letting others know they are appreciated is the cornerstone of true friendships. As stated in the famous words of Maya Angelou, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

Just remember that no matter how much you reach out to someone else, be sure to reach out to yourself first. Some people call this selfish, and if that’s how some people define it, there’s nothing wrong with that. They just view self-care from a different perspective than I’ve learned to practice. And the self care that I’ve learned to practice has been an absolutely positive change in my life.

Go with your inner gut feeling and learn to say “no” when the word expresses how you feel. I have a friend who is really bad at this, and she fully admits it. If someone asks her to do something, she goes along with it because she thinks the person will be mad if her if she doesn’t do what the person asks. As I’ve told her on many occasions: “If the person is a true friend, they’ll respect your position and understand. He or she might not like to hear ‘no,’ but they’ll deal with it.”

Saying “no” has done quite a few things for me. It has kept me focused on my goals. For instance, if someone wants to get together and I already have something else to do, I’ve learned to simply say “no.” The person might be disappointed by my answer but I choose what’s best for me. Right now in my life, I choose to focus a lot of time on building my business. I do create balance and make time for social time, but I also stay committed to what’s important to me.

So the next time someone asks you to do something you don’t want to do, just say “no.” You don’t have to be rude about how you say it. You just need to confidently express your feelings.

I had a friend who asked me to purchase a roundtrip plane ticket for her, so she could come visit me. I was not rude, but I said “no.” I told her that I thought it was a bit much and a responsibility that I was not prepared to take on. She understood. She didn’t come to visit me at that time, but she saved up the money for herself and came a month later.

This tends to be much easier, socially, when you are first beginning to set boundaries. But it can also be done in your career. During my first few years as a professor, I said “yes” to every project someone asked me to do. I got burned out quickly. I realized that I needed to change. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have been able to sustain another semester. I learned the power of saying, “no.” No one got offended by it. It just gave someone else the chance to volunteer for something.

No one else knows what you are and are not able to do in your own life. Likewise, you don’t know what someone else is or is not capable of doing. Be kind with the word, “no,” and do not judge when someone says it to you.

Published on Monday September 6, 2010 in Broadcast and Self-Care. 0 Comments Tags: , , .