There is nothing wrong with pleasing other people or wanting to go above and beyond to put a smile on someone else’s face. In fact, showing love and letting others know they are appreciated is the cornerstone of true friendships. As stated in the famous words of Maya Angelou, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Just remember that no matter how much you reach out to someone else, be sure to reach out to yourself first. Some people call this selfish, and if that’s how some people define it, there’s nothing wrong with that. They just view self-care from a different perspective than I’ve learned to practice. And the self care that I’ve learned to practice has been an absolutely positive change in my life.
Go with your inner gut feeling and learn to say “no” when the word expresses how you feel. I have a friend who is really bad at this, and she fully admits it. If someone asks her to do something, she goes along with it because she thinks the person will be mad if her if she doesn’t do what the person asks. As I’ve told her on many occasions: “If the person is a true friend, they’ll respect your position and understand. He or she might not like to hear ‘no,’ but they’ll deal with it.”
Saying “no” has done quite a few things for me. It has kept me focused on my goals. For instance, if someone wants to get together and I already have something else to do, I’ve learned to simply say “no.” The person might be disappointed by my answer but I choose what’s best for me. Right now in my life, I choose to focus a lot of time on building my business. I do create balance and make time for social time, but I also stay committed to what’s important to me.
So the next time someone asks you to do something you don’t want to do, just say “no.” You don’t have to be rude about how you say it. You just need to confidently express your feelings.
I had a friend who asked me to purchase a roundtrip plane ticket for her, so she could come visit me. I was not rude, but I said “no.” I told her that I thought it was a bit much and a responsibility that I was not prepared to take on. She understood. She didn’t come to visit me at that time, but she saved up the money for herself and came a month later.
This tends to be much easier, socially, when you are first beginning to set boundaries. But it can also be done in your career. During my first few years as a professor, I said “yes” to every project someone asked me to do. I got burned out quickly. I realized that I needed to change. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have been able to sustain another semester. I learned the power of saying, “no.” No one got offended by it. It just gave someone else the chance to volunteer for something.
No one else knows what you are and are not able to do in your own life. Likewise, you don’t know what someone else is or is not capable of doing. Be kind with the word, “no,” and do not judge when someone says it to you.
My Network Profiles